Avoiding the Pampered Child Syndrome- a behavioral disorder (Psychological disorder)
by Clinical psychologist Dr Maggie Mamen
Teachers recognize them in their classrooms; professionals encounter them in their offices; parents live with them in their homes — children who:
• are given everything, but constantly demand more;
• believe that they are entitled to the same rights as adults, but are not ready to accept grownup responsibilities;
• are loved, nurtured and protected, yet are unhappy, anxious or angry;
• are increasingly being diagnosed with emotional, behavioural or other major psychiatric disorders.
Use nonverbal behaviour management strategies
• believe that they are entitled to the same rights as adults, but are not ready to accept grownup responsibilities;
• are loved, nurtured and protected, yet are unhappy, anxious or angry;
• are increasingly being diagnosed with emotional, behavioural or other major psychiatric disorders.
Use nonverbal behaviour management strategies
How many times do we say: “I’ve told her again and again, but she never does anything I ask?” There is a wonderful book by cartoonist Lynn Johnston entitled If This is a Lecture, How Long Will it Be? that depicts her teenaged son rolling his eyes and yawning as she is flapping her lips at him. Children swiftly become immune to our verbalizations, but we often take a remarkably long time to recognize this.
Nonverbal behaviour management consists of doing something, rather than talking about it. Silently removing a child’s plate at the end of a reasonable time for a meal speaks more volumes than nagging him to hurry up. Unplugging a telephone, serving a child’s meal only after he has fed the dog, turning on the ignition only when seatbelts are fastened, flushing cigarettes, and other similar actions are far more memorable than endless lectures.
Nonverbal behaviour management consists of doing something, rather than talking about it. Silently removing a child’s plate at the end of a reasonable time for a meal speaks more volumes than nagging him to hurry up. Unplugging a telephone, serving a child’s meal only after he has fed the dog, turning on the ignition only when seatbelts are fastened, flushing cigarettes, and other similar actions are far more memorable than endless lectures.
Decide what we want to teach and teach it
Paying attention to undesirable behaviours tends to encourage them to continue rather than to extinguish them. It is critical to decide what it is we want to teach our children to do, and then to state it in positive terms. Pampered children usually need to be taught to become appropriately independent, and to take responsibility for their choices and actions. An effective strategy involves a list of accomplishments— each constructed as an “I” statement — that is owned by the child. We can even incorporate the child’s feelings into the list to teach him that sometimes we have to do things we would prefer not to. It is best to choose a few simple, concrete behaviours that, once taught, will effect positive change in a number of areas. For example:
Paying attention to undesirable behaviours tends to encourage them to continue rather than to extinguish them. It is critical to decide what it is we want to teach our children to do, and then to state it in positive terms. Pampered children usually need to be taught to become appropriately independent, and to take responsibility for their choices and actions. An effective strategy involves a list of accomplishments— each constructed as an “I” statement — that is owned by the child. We can even incorporate the child’s feelings into the list to teach him that sometimes we have to do things we would prefer not to. It is best to choose a few simple, concrete behaviours that, once taught, will effect positive change in a number of areas. For example:
I completed my homework myself, without being reminded.
Even though I didn’t want to, I switched off the television when I was asked.
I used my polite voice, even though I was angry and upset.
Even though I didn’t want to, I switched off the television when I was asked.
I used my polite voice, even though I was angry and upset.
Once all items are checked off, the child can approach an adult (parent or teacher) for validation and simple reinforcement. “Good job,” and “You must be proud of yourself,” and “Why don’t you go and show Dad?” are sufficient. The rest of the child’s life can then continue as planned and expected. Killing the fatted calf can wait for more monumental accomplishments than simply doing what is required.
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How to avoid pampering your child.
Could doing your best for your child turn her into a nightmare? Here’s how to spot the danger signs and nip them in the bud.
Clinical psychologist Dr Maggie Mamen, author of The Pampered Child Syndrome, believes giving your child everything or doing everything for her deprives her of learning important messages that will stay with her for life.
This is a behavioral problem which has a long term negative impact on the child.
According to recent research at Newcastle University, increasing numbers of children ar
e being spoiled and overindulged because of pressure on parents to be ‘perfect’.
“Parents who insist on being their child’s sole resource are unwittingly contributing to a sense of ‘learned helplessness’ in their children,” says Dr Mamen. She believes that by the time a child is 1, she needs to be able to separate healthily from her parents. This means she should sleep alone, be able to soothe herself, explore her environment, experience disappointment, learn to wait for things and begin to develop problem-solving strategies, building a foundation for later life.
How you can spot the signs that you're over-pampering your child
Some pampering is OK – after all, we all like to be pampered. The danger signs are if your child starts to demand what started out as a privilege – in other words, she begins to see it as her ‘right’. According to Dr Mamen, warning bells should ring if you start hearing yourself say, “I have to read her five stories before she goes to sleep,” or “I had to buy her sweets because she was making such a fuss,” or “I know I shouldn’t but…”
Three mums are concerned that they’ve seen some danger signs, so we asked Dr Mamen to share her advice…
Can bribery lead to bad behaviour?
“I’m at home with the children full-time and I love it, but I use bribery with Ruby to get things done. Sometimes I hear myself bribing her with sweets, even though I know I shouldn’t, because it works quickly and effectively. For example, when I’m getting Maisie ready for school and she’s taking too long I’ll say, ‘If you help mummy by getting ready quickly you can have some sweets out of the tin.’ It works because Ruby knows that if I say something then I’ll definitely follow through. She calls it a ‘mummy promise’.”
Jen, 34, mum to Gaby, 17 months, and Ruby, 4
Dr Mamen says:
The good thing about a 4 year old is that she is often just as easily pleased with a sticker on a calendar or a happy face drawn on the back of her hand as some sweets. Tokens like these don’t rot teeth, but still give a young child something tangible to show her you’ve noticed her cooperation. Try accompanying whatever token is given with a genuine
‘Thanks, great job!’ or ‘Good girl!’ That way the token can be faded out, and your verbal praise takes on additional value. Problems could arise when Maisie starts to demand sweets before she’s willing to do anything, so it’s important to phase them out gradually.
Is it a mistake to charm them into behaving themselves?
“When I get back from working (which I do full-time) I want positive, happy times with the children. We all look forward to the 90 minutes we get together before bedtime but expectations are high on both sides so if things go wrong, such as one of them misbehaving, I often find myself appeasing them in order to create a happy atmosphere, rather than dealing with the bad behaviour. I’m not a naturally authoritative person, but I wonder if I could be storing up problems for the future by using what works for me in adult life – charm, humour and diplomacy.”
Pauline, 44, mum to Sida, 9, Charles, 6, and Yoni, 4
Dr Mamen says:
Attempts to keep children happy all the time are doomed. But there is a difference between ‘authoritative’ and ‘authoritarian’ parenting. Authoritarian parenting is cold and Victorian, whereas authoritative parents have expectations, set limits and parent with warmth and affection. But stick with charm, humour and diplomacy – parenting without these would be dire!
How much should I expect my children to help?
“I don’t want the children to miss out just because I am working. The house can get quite messy as I feel that weekends are for being with the children, not cleaning the house. I know they should help, though, even the twins. But when I ask it feels like I’m nagging. It’s hard for me to get anything done as the children are constantly asking me to do things and wanting my attention. In the past, it’s sometimes taken as many as five attempts at loading the washing machine before it finally gets done. Other times, I put off preparing dinner and play a game with the kids instead – then everything gets delayed.”
Amy, 44, mum to Rachel, 10, Tamara, 7 and twins Mark and David, 4
Dr Mamen says:
It’s really important that you don’t ‘give in’. This is the ultimate statement of a reactive parent. Putting life aside to be with the children is a fairly recent phenomenon that isn’t healthy. Let them learn to be part of the real world.
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Behavior Problems Kids Have After Spending Time with Grandparents
by Lets, A school teacher in Phillipines
I heard some parents say that their children were acting differently after spending time with their grandparents.Probably true because most grandparents loved their grandchildren so much more than their own children and they would do everything to make them happy. One grandmother said that she enjoyed doing things with her grandchildren more than what she did experience before with her own children. Grandparents will always yield to the wishes of their grandchildren. Whatever they want, it will always be granted. Some parents are having problems with their kid's behavior after they spent time with grandparents.
Headstrong or Strong willed
Why kids develop this attitude when they were with Grandma & grandpa? I'm sure grandparents are not teaching their grandchildren to be bad but because of their lavish affection they don't impose any discipline to their grandchildren to avoid hurting their feelings. My grandmother was so fond of me when I was a kid. I really love to be with her often because she gives me what I want specially toys my parents wouldn't buy for me. When some kids make fun of me while we are at play, my grandmother will come to the rescue and scold those kids who are mean to me. I love the feeling, as if she is my supper hero. Things change when I'm at home. My mother won't give in with what I want and It makes me mad. When she wants me to do something I keep on grumbling and sometimes I cried and won't obey. I feel that grandma is better than my mother. I disobeyed my mother and I do what I want. I am just fortunate that my mother did not give up on me in spite of my attitude. I was able to overcome my willful attitude when we transfered residence far away from my grandma. Too much love & affection of grandparents to their grandchildren make them spoiled and headstrong.
Ref:
http://www.ottawafamilyliving.com/avoiding_the_pampered_child_syndrome/
http://www.madeformums.com/toddler-behaviour/how-to-avoid-pampering-your-child/153.html
http://voices.yahoo.com/behavior-problems-kids-after-spending-time-with-1448495.html
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